Two of my blogging sister’s are going through a very rough time with their ex’s. Memories flood in of my childhood as a pawn for my mother. I thought I had a good understanding of Domestic Violence, I was wrong. My stepfather beat my mother almost daily, constant verbal abuse which would cause her emotional abuse. What really hit home is how the abuse of a parent trickles down to the kids. I thought the memories of my mother were in the past. I never looked at myself as living in a house with Domestic Violence. I’m blinded with hatred towards my mother for abusing me. These emotions come to the surface yet there is no sympathy for her. The realization my friends are going through the same difficulties is blinding. I was the pawn, not the mother watching her children in agony with no recourse. I have felt anger and cried so many tears for my friends. I see their pain and remember what it was like for me as a child. I’ve gone from crying to full caregiver mode, wanting to help. I’m so emotionally involved wanting to help anyway possible. As you can see from a conversation with one of my friends, I’ve gone overboard. Looking at what they are facing with the ex, I saw for the first time I was a pawn in my mother’s game. I lived in a home with Domestic Violence. Another form of abuse inflicted on me by my mother. The blessing is I am capable of feeling deep emotions for my friends. I don’t feel pain for me, all of my thoughts are for them and their kids. I’ve either resolved the abuse at the hands of my mother or can no longer look at the pain. Only God knows. I’ve known people with an abusive past , they were cold, hardened, unable to feel any emotion. I am so happy that is not me. I am not just a survivor I’m thriving. I would love to hear your thought’s.
Keep an open dialog going with the kids, keep a journal of the changes they show with dates. I know this is eating at you and rightly so. He has already crossed the line of what’s appropriate. Why would XXXX want to sleep in her clothes suddenly? It does raise flags.Will he take another step. I pray not. Try to set specific rules on calling times while their gone and the consequences if they do not call, answer your call or text. You could even outline a small agenda for the kids, that way you don’t have to listen or be yelled at by the dad. Did you find out why XXXX didn’t want his grandmother to know he lied? They are young and under a lot of stress, it’s never to early to teach kids their actions have consequences. We had rules on how to act from the time we were small kids. One idea is after they get back and chill, take each kid to do something fun. Ice cream in the park then relax feeding ducks, you know how to ask questions without asking questions. Do this with both kids and see what comes out of their mouth when off guard down. If the dad has polluted their mind, using as pawns, think about your parents or one parent do the same, see what happens. The dad is a selfish monster. I have no doubt you will have to take him back to court someday. Think about a child counselor for each at a later date. If you can find a decent ass lawyer, having statements from a Therapist will throw his game off. I believe the only way he will stop abusing you and the kids is for him to see you’ve grown some balls. Stay ahead of him and strike like a python. You might look at what books are available that captures his personality disorder, custody, what to look for and possible suggestions on what or how to approach it. Maybe hide some notes with nice sayings in their clothes, little reminders that you love them. Maybe a small trinket that could keep them busy, making sure kids bring it home to show you what they’ve learned. That may discourage dad from keeping all the toys. As you can tell I’m thinking of everything I can for you and the kids. My life dream would come true if a child never had to endure abuse. It fuck’s up your life, it took a miracle for me to stay sane. I’m thinking of you and wished I could help. The what if’s bring up memories I would not wish on anyone. I’ll look for some resources this week. I’m thinking about you, let me know how I can help.
…you hit the nail on the head about the “what ifs?” I think that being an older parent, I’ve seen and experienced more to learn from than when I was in my 20′s raising the older two. We’ve done some phone call role-playing, so this visit we’ll try again for a short, sweet conversation while they’re with the dad. The summer has provided the dad with way more contact with me than I wanted to deal with. I so share your dream that children not have to silently endure any abuse! It sickens me to see, knowing what he is capable of…it has been a tough summer for all, interspersed with some rock in’ fun times.
I rarely feel the warmth of tears. I’ve cried many times the past two weeks in pain for you & XX. I cried this morning and tried to analyze my emotions. My own abuse, being a pawn, came to the surface as anger. Lots of anger. I’m sure being older has been a blessing dealing with this. I hope none of my comments have not upset you, everything said is out of love and concern. 🙂
I’m pushing down my emotions so I can get five lbs. of paperwork done for tomorrow.