Original post 7/2014

Looking back on my life there are times when events seem like yesterday and others a lifetime ago. This is a lifetime ago memory one buried in deep resentment and anger. It’s an oxymoron. I’ve had difficult challenges, staying alive was a challenge. I’m at peace in life now. I working thru the bitterness of abuse. I buried this one so deep I forgot about until yesterday. I was barely 18 yrs. old on August 1, 1981, the day of my first marriage. It was very hot in the chapel, my gramps slipped the Priest some money to turn the air up. His parents paid for the champagne, several cases and two of my uncles got drunk. But I’m getting ahead of myself. My father walked me down the isles as I carried three roses for my grandmother, his mother and one for a statue of Mary. His mother didn’t realize her rose would come after the ceremony and she thought I forgot. In the traditional Catholic service you  kneel for a good part of the ceremony. This is where the “it was hot” comes in. I have this long veil over my face, haven’t eaten all day and it was hot. I started to wobble and whispered I’m going to pass out. He said not much longer. He was right, within minutes I passed out. Keep in mind this important occasion is on VHS. The Priest and my bridesmaids carry me to the first row, everyone is fanning me. Out comes the Priest with water in a gold chalice. I was hesitant to drink from a sacred cup, water prevailed. Only held up service 10 minutes or so, back to kneel with the veil over my face. I start hyperventilating and going down. We have a replay. The Priest realizes it’s time to cut this one short. The photographer comes over after the service to take photos and I’m in no mood, I was being a spoiled brat. Just get this shit over with I replied. The day I raced the 76′ Camaro at Greenvalley Raceway doing 14’s was more exciting than this. So you have a picture of wedded bliss.

We played house until it got rough, a decision we came to on the way to his parents for Thanksgiving. We didn’t separate, just kept skating on thin ice. Spring rolls around and race season starts. Where the money came from was a mystery to me. By this time he wasn’t staying at the apartment.

One of my dearest friends died, head on by an older gentleman who was having a heart attack. This happened during a shift change and the ball got dropped, no one called to tell his parents. The next morning the morgue calls to ask when they planned to pick up the body. His brother almost had a heart attack on the phone. Steve and I dated and remained close friends after we broke up. He was a special person, the type who brings sparkle to your life. For reasons I don’t understand his mother called me wanting to talk about Steve. I spent two weeks consoling her and internalizing my grief.

The stress was more than my body could handle. I had a miscarriage two weeks later. It was a Friday night, no idea I was pregnant. Who talks about miscarriages, not a normal topic like getting your period. I’m in excruciating pain, still not processing why there was so much blood. We arrive at the hospital and since it’s Friday, several shooting victims are ahead of me. I laid across several chairs and cried. Finally in a room but still waiting, I go to bathroom. I lost the baby in the toilet at the hospital. A part of me died that night, it’s a place inside I have never been before or since. Staring at the fetus, it was developing, it looked like a miniature baby. Even now it brings up feelings I don’t understand. I walked out of bathroom when a nurse walked by, I said there’s a baby in the toilet. I kept walking. The nurse brings the fetus in the room in a jar and puts it by my head. Can I hand you knife so you can stab me? They kept me over night. I was shaking, it took three tries before the I.V. went in. My husband never acknowledged the baby, in fact didn’t say anything. Scheduled to leave for a race the next morning, I knew he was not cancelling his plans. I had to call someone the next morning to come get me.

Looking back it was a blessing. I was not ready for single motherhood. The stress feels overwhelming at times. The cycle of abuse could have repeated itself. My life would look very different. I know this in my heart. I don’t understand the resentment. I’m 50 yrs. old, 18 was a long time ago. I’ve moved on from worse pain physically and mentally. The only logic I can find is the baby came out of my body, I saw it. The resentment is he never acknowledged, held me, let me cry, tell me it’s ok or cancel the race. I’ve never talked about this experience, it was truly locked away. I have to work thru the feelings of resentment. That’s not who I am today.

Warrior

24 Comments on “18 Years Old, Married, Divorced and Still Resentful 32 Years Later

  1. That was a very powerful message to read. What can I say – except that you have moved forward and you are now in a much better place. Your story inspires others, I’m sure. ❤

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    • Thank you for the kind words, feedback like yours makes my day better. It has been interesting to see how telling my story the resentment is gone. It was an easier one the other struggles I faced however that negative energy that’s gone. I appreciate you stopping by my blog and hope you come back again soon. Thank you again. 🙂

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  2. Unfortunately, we have a lot in common. I’m so sorry. After many years of seeking, therapy, barking up trees….I have come to the conclusion that some wounds never heal. I very much hope differently for you. I hope you’re able to process and get past this and have more joy in your life.

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    • Thank you for the kind words and taking the time to write. For the first time I think writing it down and showing to whoever cared to read it, I already feel progress. I’ve survived some horrid abuse, most of which I’ve processed and having people share their stories and emotions about the post has taken some weight off. Have a great day.

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  3. I’m so sorry you experienced this kind of pain. I cannot imagine how painful it must have been and to experience it alone must have been so difficult.
    Hugs to you
    ❤ ❤
    Tee

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  4. It’s impossible not to be graphic if you’re telling the truth about something like this. To try to change that would be to stop being truthful. I’m so sorry that you were alone and dealing with all that. It would be shocking and painful at any age, but you were so very young.

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    • Thank you for taking the time to comment. It’s a hard topic to respond to. I appreciate your understanding my commitment to telling the truth. The key reason I write is to cleanse my soul, second is to help others who reach out. I’ve been thru many setbacks at 50, for 2 more days, and I have to live life for me and God. Beyond that it’s icing. He knows what’s in my heart and knows I only want to help others. I’m not hear to be the popular kid on the block. I’m to stubborn for that. Thank you for taking the time today to comment on several post. 🙂

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  5. My heart hurt reading what you went through – the devastating loss through miscarriage, and the lack of empathy and acknowledgement that you suffered. I’m not surprised you weren’t able to process it fully at the time, but I am glad you are able to speak about it now at last. Big hugs.

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    • Thank you for the kind words. It’s been strange to try to understand everything so long after the fact. It’s a difficult subject for anyone to talk about yet I’m blessed several people made touching comments. I was surprised by the kind words from Willy. Most men have a hard time, even my husband. I’ve always felt saying something out loud can make things happen. I believe it’s true in this case as well. How are you? We haven’t had longs talks in a while. Life treating you good? Thanks again. Hugs! 🙂

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  6. That’s a hard reality to carry around, Warrior. I wish a cyber hug would help. If it did, I have plenty.

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    • Thank you for ackowledging. It’s a difficult subject and not maybe people have made comments today. I understand, we’re afraid to say the wrong thing. It’s been difficult, I think maybe I should not have been so graphic, it could bring up memories for other women. I’m tough as shit, I can take it but would not want someone to have bad memories over a post. When I started this blog the main goal was to give people a look at my inside world, the realities and how I delt with or overcame. I enjoy helping people. I had to write the whole story. I’ll take your hugs. 🙂

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      • I am proud of you for the courage you show in posting this memory. I feel the same about my own memories but the encouragement of others has kept me going. We need to understand the reality of such things. Its the cold hard truth that teaches us, helps us to understand.

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      • I really appreciate you thoughts. It’s a memory I have to break down, understand and resolve. I won’t let hatred or anger fuel my thoughts. I am a happy person, minus health issues, in the big picture my health problems are nothing. I stay aware of that. I talked to a much older woman today who was diagnosed Bipolar and the doctor gave her two pills to pick from. I could not believe this hard no knowledge of what to do or even accept her illness. I felt bad for her that she had no information to go on. I talk a good game but there is marshmallow deep inside. This memory is one my therapist can help me understand. We grow from what we learn. No off to find out more about Dragons. Hugs back at you 🙂

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  7. I really believe that seeing your child hurt or pass away, no matter if through miscarriage or later in life, is emotionally devastating. Add the neglect/abuse from your husband of the time and it magnifies the hurt. You are, indeed, Warrior.

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  8. You are incredibly strong Warrior!
    I think you are trying to understand why somebody who was supposed to love, you abandoned you when you need them the most. I wish I had the answer for that!
    Sometimes I think that some people love themselves so much that the limited amount of love they have it’s already taken (by themselves). Then again, how someone could have a limited amount of love? I wish I could answer that too… So hard to accept!
    Thank you for sharing, I hope the load on your shoulders is lighter now 🙂

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