Today would be your 76 birthday, there are a few things to say. I don’t know if you were with God in your final hours. I can’t assume you asked for forgiveness, I can’t assume you’re in Heaven.

Granny and Gramps went to their graves not knowing the pain you inflicted on me. Granny would breakdown, I would not cause her such pain.

You told me several times you were going to kill yourself, I didn’t doubt. I chose to keep the information to myself.

Granny was never the same after taking your life.

You called delusional, hallucinationing your phone was tapped. I found the cassettes, listened to every one, it’s sad where the mind can take us.

I have an idea how difficult it must have been living with a delusional mind.

Years soften the memories and pain, time doesn’t mean forgiveness. I choose to move forward building a healthy life. I’ve forgotten those times, their packed away, never to share.

Your son doesn’t have recollections of the worst times, he hardly knew you, you two didn’t spend much time. He knows nothing of my pain, like granny, he will go to his grave knowing none.

I talked with your half-brother Michael last year, he had photos and fond memories of you, the times you shared. Thru him I learned your side of the family suffered from depression for generations back.

Until next year

Melinda

5 Comments on “Happy Birthday Daddy

  1. Congratulations on surviving, and apparently having done a lot of work on yourself. So wonderful your grandparents were supportive. I get a little lost on this site because first I thought you had chronic lyme and then see (I think) that you have incurable bi-polar? I’m an incest survivor, wrote a book on incest, and discuss the topic on two of my blog pages at nanmykel.com. I am beyond hating, but my personality is damaged and I think I dissociate a little. and have trouble with PERSPECTIVE. Maybe you’re the one who’s 51. A least you were able to select a man who you respected. I’m 81. I think I heard about your blog at Rob Goldstein (I’m afraid to leave to check his name for fear I’ll lose my place here. I’m still a newbie after two years.

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    • Hi my friend
      I’m so glad you stopped to leave a comment and thoughts on your mind. I was abused by mother and Step father, sexually abused by my father. Lots of pain I never shared any pain until my father committed sucide in 1992.I was diagnosed Treatment Restentant Bipolar Disorder. I didn’t take it serious until my father died and the statistics were not in my favor. I’ve been blessed by Psycopramocologist and Therapist for almost 20 years.
      I do have Chronic Lyme Diseases, heart issues….some are sick a lot. I think stress adds years to your life.
      About me page will give the down and dirty. I don’t share about my father’s sexual abuse, I talk but it flows on it’s own schedule. Are you seeing a Therapist or Psychiatrist? A Therapist well versed in trauma and mental illness could help process areas not worked through and help give you tools to deal with the road blocks when they come.How long ago where you diagnosed and if it’s been years and taking same meds, sounds like you need a check up.
      As for men, there are plenty can respect enough to get by, others it’s an on going battle waiting to jump up. What’s most important to me is listening to me, not watching game while I’m talking, follow thru, because I’m so ill, if he drops the ball, I can’t jump up and handle everything like I use to. My ex didn’t believe anything was wrong,just lazy, pretty much end of relationship. If they are not concerned about you health, they never will. The most painful days are when most arguments pop up. I’m not the remote person to talk about relations.
      Rob is a great guy, he is inspirational, we write together at Survivors Blog Here, we have approx. 12-13 writers and we have our individual blogs.
      I don’t know if I’ve blown smoke or if my thoughts make sense. I’m always avail to help and if I’m clueless maybe I can direct you someone who can.
      Have awesome Thursday.
      🙂
      M

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