About Me

“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”    Maya Angelo

 

Yosemite Verna Falls

Verna Falls, Yosemite 

I am a Survivor

After years of therapy and my grandparents love, I was pulled from the abyss. I have a clear heart, no anger or self loathing. Not forgiving….forgetting, to allow me to move forward. Over the years, people brought sunshine into my life. I can’t Thank You enough. You were like Angels dropping in when I needed a push or pat on back.

To start my mother and stepfather physically and emotionally abused me until 12 years old. My stepfather beat my mother almost daily starting with hitting her head side to side down the hallway, the hallway ended at my room. Everyone in the house lived in hell, I got an extra dose.

As a small girl, I dreamed my father would save me. The dream was over when he started sexually abusing me as a child. It was innocent at first or so it seemed. At 12 years old I moved to my father’s. It’s impossible to wrap your head around sexual abuse at any age.

In 1992 my father committed suicide. Estranged since my teens, we talked several times before his death. He called delusional and paranoid. Saying someone was tapping his phone. He told me about suicide, I told no one. My Granny was devastated, her only child was dead. We had a closed casket service. It’s hard to reconcile death when you can’t see them.

I battle with Treatment Resistant Bipolar Disorder. Diagnosed at 19 years old, I struggled for years without medication or over medicated. Thru the years I ‘ve taken over 40 prescriptions drugs cocktails. Some medications worked for a while, then I had to try another mix. Bipolar Disorder is a Mental Illness without a cure. I manage my illness everyday and each day is different. Through advances in medicine, future generations may not struggle with  Mental Illness. We can pay it forward by participating in questionnaires, clinical trials and talking about our illness. Educating others is the road to Breaking The Stigma.

I am alive with the help of God, Husband, Grandparents, Therapist and Psychiatrist. I’m blessed with a husband who won’t give up no matter how hard it gets.

My background and Mental Illness is NOT a complete picture of who I am. Photography, Art and Music are my passions. I love vintage cars, riding motorcycles and the great outdoors. As a teenager I set a  goal to see the world. My Bucket List is growing.

A student of Ancient History, Roman Architecture, World Religion and Art. I’m an animal lover. I’m sickened by animals being abused and killed testing dog food or facial cream. I’m concerned about extinction, global poverty and the planet. Above all Education, children are our future.

Thank you for pulling up a chair to read more about me. I hope to see you again soon.

Xx  Melinda

I enjoy hearing from you and comments are always welcome!

http://www.lookingforthelightblog.wordpress.com

 

16 thoughts on “Looking for the Light”

a  naatcalin
October 17, 2015 at 1:17 pm

I can’t press the Like button for this post, but know that I deeply feel with and for you, and have great respect for all the challenges you’ve faced. What do you tell someone who’s been through so much it would put national heroes to shame? All I can say is Respect.
Liked by you

Looking for the Light
October 17, 2015 at 3:19 pm

My site is going crazy and WP Support is out-of-town until 21st. Thank you for the kind words. I know how far down I was and my life didn’t matter. If it wasn’t for my grandparents getting me off drugs and alcohol, I would not be here. They were hard are me and taught me to get rid of the thug attitude. I’m no different than any one who sees their life going away. I worked hard, made many bad decisions. When I started hanging with the right crowd it help the transition to find myself and be the best at it.
Hopefully I can get this mess cleared up.
Have a great day. 🙂
M

Liked by 1 person

anaatcalin
October 17, 2015 at 3:46 pm
I know about your site, I tried to visit earlier today 🙂 So after the 21st I’ll revisit. You have a wonderful day too, M!
Liked by you

Looking for the Light
October 17, 2015 at 3:56 pm
Like

Looking for the Light
October 24, 2014 at 11:14 pm

Thank you David for the kind words. You sound like you are familiar with mental illness. I have an awesome doctor who I’ve seen for over 15 years, he has worked hard to keep me level or getting ECT before falling to far. I take my husband to most of my appointments so he can hear first hand what’s going on. My doctor tells him what to look for and if I reach a certain point to call and get me admitted. Many people are scared of ECT, I’ve had 20+ over the years and would not be alive without ECT. I’ll check out your site to see what you having going on. Thanks again for the encouragement. 🙂 Warrior (old nick name)
Liked by 1 person

Looking for the Light

Hello my Wales friend David

is a bit much to choke down, you understand. I know why you can’t get any writing done! You are an email addict. I can tell your friend/followers love you, a bit more reading and I may feel the same. I’m the young chick age 51 years old. I love blogging and the sense of community is awesome. My heart is filled with sunshine when I can help someone. I have Lyme, thank you for tweeting my post out, many retweets on it. I pray one person avoids Lyme, I will have helped one person. It’s a terrible disease. I found it interesting you tweeted out a post about Lyme. Any connection to Lyme? I hope you’ll drop by again and drop a line on how you found me.
Many Hugs Back at You,
Melinda

Heather’s Starting End
September 22, 2014 at 5:10 pm

Melinda, that is A Bed To Lay Your Sadness on…for my daughter, who’s father died when she was 10. She had a history similar to yours…… 😦
Liked by you and 1 other person

Heather’s Starting End
September 22, 2014 at 5:11 pm

And the story of it, is my poem to myself, Cancer of the Soul
Liked by you and 1 other person

Looking for the Light
September 22, 2014 at 5:17 pm

Hello friend,
Did you read my About Me page? I’m not sure how to comment. Its heart breaking to hear your daughter lost her father so young. It must have been unbearable for both of you. No doubt you felt tremendous pain to see your daughter suffering.
I would really appreciate knowing what post you read so I can comment directly. I hope you will follow my blog so I can be here for you to lean on for support.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Like

Heather’s Starting End
September 22, 2014 at 5:33 pm

Yes, I read it. I have 3 girls. “Bed” was written for my oldest now 21…my teins will be 18 in march. It has, as you can imagine, been a long road but their past is now waking up and pushing through. I have one foot already on an unknown path to walk with them and it is very scary. The PTSD is begging to surge…
Liked by you

Looking for the Light
September 22, 2014 at 5:44 pm

Hello Heather?
I’m sure watching three girls grow up is very painful. Certainly if they were anything like me. I hope you are seeing someone for the PTSD, it has a crazy way of throwing you up in the air and twirling you around. I don’t suffer from PTSD very bad or often. A close friend of mine who did several tours in the military suffers terribly. It’s hard to bring him down or hang on.
We have much to talk about. I look forward to getting to know you.

Hugs M.

Heather’s Starting End
September 22, 2014 at 5:46 pm

Yes, we do!!!!!!!PTSD was the diagnoses 5 years ago…I call it denial. Easier to live under a black cloud of pain than face the real pain and confront it. poemsfromherlife@gmail.com
Like

Looking for the Light
September 22, 2014 at 5:53 pm

Heather,
I lost my ability to write poetry at 14, or better said I stopped. I have read more poetry since joining WordPress and the slightest urge has called me. Not enough to do anything but enough to acknowledge as an Adult you can write poetry about anything. I wrote about my teenage angst including the difficulty of kicking drugs. I have written since then but always based on a story if you will. I love NY for about 3-4 days, then ready to make it back to Texas. No doubt you miss home. msandorm@verizon.net, reach out when you need a hand.
Hugs M
Liked by 1 person

Heather’s Starting End
September 22, 2014 at 6:06 pm
Edit
Excellent…will do 😉
Like

Miss Min
September 15, 2014 at 11:45 pm

Reading through your description of yourself and your experiences, I’m taken aback by how alike we are. What a wonderful way the internet makes for us to connect to like-minded, kindred spirits across the oceans. The way you research on topics that have meaning for you; the love of animals and deep concern for the environment; the love of books; the refusal, really, to take life at surface value – all could have been written about myself. We even share a name. 🙂
Liked by you
Go ahead! You know you want to say it 🙂

89 Comments on “About Me

  1. Thanks for leaving me a path from “More …Forgive.” I am glad to follow you here and learn something about your history and how you are overcoming (or have overcome). You are a strong woman who realizes the importance of having strong support and love to help you. Your story and victory is an inspiration. Blessings on you, dear. I’m following.

    Like

    • Hi friend
      We all have a story don’t we. I was truly blessed my grandparents raised me, fact is I wouldn’t be here. I don’t post much about the past although there are plenty, I started blogging in 2005. I have a chronic illness but spend all the time I have advocating for my causes and when appropriate share my story. Most recently a stalker. You’ll find many post to and about my grandparents. I thank you for following and I will follow the same.
      M

      Like

    • Danica
      You have the biggest heart. Even when don’t talk I think we’re both thinking of each other. I learning to walk again and some memory is coming back. Can’t ask for a bigger blessing than that.I haven’t learned how to make a No Awards sign, I’ll take the award if you help me make or tell me how to make a pretty widget.
      Your the best. Where the rest of the sexy, long to come thru the phone to you story? I enjoyed so much I can always hope. Thanks.
      M

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m not sure what might be happening but did you try right-clicking on the badge, then saving it, then uploading the image file to your media (image) files, then adding the media file to your blog post?

        Like

      • Danica it was such a horrible day. We both were so excited, yesterday was the day. My memory left, I didn’t ask around because didn’t want people to know how far I’ve regressed. I’ll use your method and pray it shows up. I’m more excited than you, can’t wait to see your reaction.
        I want it posted today, worked hard to surprise you and enjoyable for readers.
        Let you know shortly what happened.
        M

        Liked by 2 people

      • I hope you’re feeling much, much better today M!
        There’s no rush at all for the post, there’s no time limit or expiry. 🙂 I’m really looking forward to it whenever it works out.

        Like

      • Hopefully in a few days I’ll feel better. The doctor said maybe 2-3 days.We about can’t wait, I would love to see your reaction. Of course it could go the other direction and be now big deal. I want you to feel overwhelmed we smiles, laughs and remember…only for you would I work so hard to blow you mind. I can’t even remember names of things. I’ve barely slept in 3 weeks. It to shall pass.
        M

        Liked by 1 person

      • M, that must be so challenging and exhausting! Please don’t push yourself with blog posts… I’ll be overwhelmed with smiles and laughs and there’s no rush! Anytime at all. I already really appreciate it, M. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: The Versatile Blogger Award | Me, My Spoons & I

  3. Hello Melinda, how are you doing? You are strong. I liked the way how you changed all the negativity into optimism. Like you said in my blog, we can change the world. 🙂

    Happy to be your reader… Love to read more from your blog.

    Regards,
    Anoop

    Like

    • Hi Anoop
      Your site is very interesting and personal. Yes, I believe people like you and I can change the future. May be one person at a time but we are all human.I know some countries have never known peace or peace for very long,what a blessing to make even a dent in another life. It takes a village, a village of understanding. I look forward to learning more about you by following your blog. Thanks you for the kind words.
      Have an awesome day.
      🙂
      M

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Bird
      There were many unanswered questions along the way, they are now revealed. Strong faith, yes…no always. As a child it’s about survival, being invisible, when older you can’t hide in your closet any longer. I was an adult before some of the pieces fell into place. Other than my health, I’m in a great place, I know Chronic Lyme isn’t the end of me. Thanks for leaving such kind words.
      🙂
      M

      Like

  4. Glad to hear you are doing better after such a childhood. You really make me think about treasuring more the family that I have and the life that I have.
    Does bipolar disorder ever goes away?

    Like

    • Hi Charly
      So glad to hear from you, it’s not often we take the time to write each other. I was very lucky to have grandparents who made sacrifices because they loved me. We lived humbly but our relationship was the only thing that mattered. Not everyone has someone like that in their life, family, partner, wife, it’s not always there. I did not have strong relationships with extended family. As a teen I was hell bent on self destructing to get away from my past.Therapy made a huge difference and more importantly I was the caregiver when each of my grandparents were ill until they died. It changes you, I understood what it felt like to make sacrifices for love.
      I hope you have family or someone in your life worth sacrificing your time for.
      There are no cures for Mental Illness, only medications to help you cope. It’s a tough road.
      Take care and let’s talk soon.
      🙂
      M

      Like

      • You´re a strong woman, like the other woman in my life that I really care about and I have no idea how she still puts on with me. Even with a the screw ups, always related to addiction that takes me to the hospital (spend two weeks last month in the hospital and this month I´m quite weak, if I start naming all the things I have in my body it will take an hour) and this woman, my mother will still say that I should stay in her house for some time so I don´t get back into the
        crazy life of addiction which is really killing me, I´m not too far from going to another place. The poor woman still will take care of a 33 year old guy. Go figure that one out how she does it. So it´s been almost 3 weeks without any intake of substances and is tough, but she´s here helping me out until at least I can get a meeting with the drug addiction specialist next month. You really got to treasure the small number of people that really love you.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. The help of God is without equal. But so is the support of a loving spouse. Without my wife at my side I could not make this trek. She is also a survivor, also of childhood sexual abuse — again the hand of God is shown.
    I am so thankful you have this site. The more places where people can see there IS life as a survivor – a thriver – the better chance of them being reached.

    Like

    • I can’t walk without God leading or helping me thru day. When I was young,living thru hell, I thought negative of the road bumps God put in my way. Several significant events changed my thinking. I know in my heart God is love and not punishment. I know the bumps will come large and small but they prepare me to handle the task. I’ve had very personal devastating pain of my grandparents dying. God helped me see how to turn the pain around and heal with others. He also prepared me to be a Minister and start a charity.
      We all have a stab in the gut pain. We have to take the skills we’ve learned and crawl first.
      Tell your wife I’m here for here anything, she want’s privacy email msandorm@verizon.net.
      Pax
      M

      Liked by 1 person

      • She claims she is 100% past it and won’t talk about her stuff anymore – “it’s in the past”. So we don’t.

        Like

      • Hi Marcus
        Are you me referencing me in your statement? For me,life is never in the past and closed, no matter how tragic. For me in the past means I’ve taken the steps to move to a functioning state. Most people know, I talk about every thing. There are two traumatic events I haven’t worked through and don’t talk about. When I take the steps of talking with my Therapist, there may come a day I’ll share. I know you can understand.
        I hope you were not quoting me, doesn’t even sound like something I would say. Talk to you later.
        🙂
        M

        Like

      • no no no no no
        my wife says she is 100% past her abuse and needs nothing. Certainly not to discuss it. She doesn’t seem to understand why I still deal with mine – but she supports me all the same.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m with you, pain fades over the years but trauma never goes away. If she means that it doesn’t cross her mind, that’s a big step forward. If in denial, sorry to say, it comes back, it could even take on another form. All the pain we feel can be directed at another challenge and not realize. Everyone heals or not so different.
        Did you make my day and send the invitation back? My laptop took a perm vacation so back to the desk top. 400 messages, that’s why I was. I’m having a rough health day, nap time. I will feel better when I eat and sleep. My pain wakes me up all night.
        🙂
        M

        Like

      • Haven’t received the invitation yet…
        Understand pain waking you up – my leg cramps do that faaarrrr to often.

        Like

      • Hi Marcus
        Your page is ready for your “About Me”
        I think you can go to Survivors site from the top left site choices.
        Go to WP Admin
        look for pages
        I named you Marcus since unsure.
        Type you info
        Change name if you want.

        I’ve not slept well for days don’t be surprised if some instructions are wrong. The key I remember to save!
        Have a great day
        I’ll write an intro soon as head clears.
        😎

        Liked by 1 person

      • No prob not a problem. I spent the morning cleaning up “About Me” page. Every year I grow and heal. Gives me a chance to talk cars. I leave a strong overview to help others.
        I’ll write an intro post once you have time to get set up, looking good.
        M

        Like

      • I posted … at least the initial stuff. Like you indicated, I may find need to update / fine-tune it – but it’s there
        🙂
        Thank you again for this incredible opportunity!

        Like

      • Marcus
        I’m excited. You will continue to changes lives with more exposure. My heart if smilling. When you write a post that includes your background, it opens a door for someone. We can make a difference with our experiences one person at a time.
        Welcome aboard. Now you get the please of an intro letter from me! HAHA. I’ll comb your site to learn more about you. I’ll get your approval before posting. I would not slight or embarrass anyone on purpose. Those years thank God are long over.
        Did you have any problems maneuvering the system?
        Have an awesome day.
        🙂
        M

        Liked by 1 person

      • System worked fine for me – same as working through my own pages.
        Have a great day !

        Like

      • You’re welcome
        Your life’s adventure page interest me and I’m liking the share
        I hope that you have pleasure to my universe too
        See your blog soon
        Anita

        Like

      • Your welcome, the site looks very interesting.The problem is I don’t speak Spanish, can say a few world from the countries I travel to. The will not stop me from coming to see you.
        🙂
        M

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Thanks for your honesty in sharing your experiences with this life. I admire your courage and I am glad we found each other in the blogosphere. I look forward to getting to know you more. With you on this journey, I send peace and love. Harlon

    Like

    • Hi Harlon
      How are you, we haven’t had much time to catch up. I ran across your name and wanted to know how you health is. I think you did a post on your health lately, my memory last 10 minutes at most. One of the shitty side effects of Lyme. More pain than drugs can control and loss of memory, I might be okay with the remaining effects. I know God is preparing me for next challenge, some days it’s hard. I’ve had so many great, good and tragic events in my life. Writing is to share with others and hopefully redirect my brain.
      Your first comment thanked me for being honest and open with my experiences. You would be on the journey with me. The words mean as much today.
      Hugs
      M

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Just discovered the other Blog survivorsbloghere and Follow there and I decided to Follow you here too! 🙂 I see many of my friends followers are here. Your about page is very intense to read and touched my soul and heart deeply. I wish you well and I am glad that you are at the place that you are now. All the best for you in your life, you are greatly helping others through your Blogs ❤

    Like

    • I’m so glad you stopped by my personal site. I’m co-founder of Survivors Blog Here.
      I’m very intense when advocating issues of cause. The group site is multiple topics, some are funny other writer fiction.

      I reblog everything I write to Survivors.
      I hope you had time so look at the different bloggers, we each have expererines. I’m sure you picked up on that.

      I would like any feedback or ideas the group site. What you liked or not so much. I’m slowing mocking clhanges.
      I hope you will come by often.
      Thank you for the king words.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you very much for your kind words! I appreciate them so much! I will sure come back and stay in touch if you Follow me I can surely not miss your posts! I am an Artist Designer I love and I am passionate for many things people here on WordPress say I am multi talented I say that I Am just being myself. Everything I do has all my heart and soul in it. And I am happy when someone find happiness or comfort throughout my art ways, my unique Jewelry creations, my watercolor paintings, my photography, my poems yes I also write poems sometimes and there is one now that I would like for you to read the title is “The Walk” I am sure that you can relate to it! You can read it here http://yesterdayafter.com/2015/07/15/the-walk/

        I would love to know what you think ❤

        Like

  8. Melinda – Warrior/Survivor/Light – it pains me that you have endured such pain and abuse, but lifts my heart that you are hopeful and looking for the light. God bless you for the work you do for survivors of trauma.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Kitt
      I share my story so others including parents can have hope. My goal is to highlight how crappy my childhood was, I survived with the help of others. It’s so hard to fight the demons alone.
      Thank you for stopping by. Hope to see you soon.
      🙂
      M

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I am so sorry that you experienced such terrible things. Your lengths in which you’ve come to heal and become such a supportive person for all of us that are suffering is inspiring. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. How you’ve grown from such a disastrous start I’ll never know but you’re out there fighting and building the person you’re becoming all the time.Well done. It takes courage and will power as well as the drugs.
    Suicide was often the only thought in my mind for a long time but I made a promise to someone, and though difficult, keeping the promise became very important. Now it’s just a day to day thing where I think I’ve made it this far, I can make it a bit further too.
    Congratulations on your great fortitude.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

    Like

    • David
      Thank you for the kind comments, you’ve been very supportive of me. Looking back, when I do, it’s hard to understand how I managed. My grandparents love built a solid foundation after getting my shit together. Tough love was the tactic and it worked. Mental illness has taken hold of my life many times, God had something else in mind for me or I would be long gone. I’m in the process of starting a charity to support learning for kids in shelters or underfunded schools. From there I want to make sure kids have some new clothes when they enter a shelter. There is so much we can all do. I’ll let God direct me.
      Have a great. If you need to talk my hand is offered to you.
      Hugs
      M

      Like

    • Hello my friend
      Thank you for the kind words. I laid everything about myself out there for others to know they are not alone. I hope people see the positive steps made to move forward in life and not let the past define me. I look forward to spending time at your site.
      Have a great day.
      🙂
      M

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I can empathize with you, sad you’ve had to endure so very much. Each of us has our struggles. Think of I have the ability to be reborn, reborn in the sense you are starting a new life within yours.

    The past was another life. To now be someone, a new person holding to what is positive. The best way to replace old memories is to feel now I am a new person. Making new memories and embracing them.

    See by the what you have written by the last part of About Me here, you have already done so. Continue with the positive. Many are with you and so are my thoughts and prayers..

    Like

    • Hello my friend
      Thank you for taking the to read and comment on my About Me page. It took years to reach a place of forgiveness and joy in my heart. I don’t look back and if I do it’s not for a pity. Life is much sweeter with a clear heart and the ability to feel compassion.
      Have a great day.
      🙂
      M

      Liked by 1 person

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